Happy Birthday, Dear Ammi g
Its been 2,178 days since I last talked to you.
They say that time heals all wounds, but each passing day in six years that you have been gone has revealed that maybe time reduces the sorrow, but the grief of not being able to hear your voice and be surrounded by your kind presence is here to stay. I face a painful realization on each important event of my life that your sweet laughter, your loving reprimands, and your fiery wall of protection from the cruel world is gone forever.
I remember the day 6 years ago when I wished you your birthday. It was also the first day of your retirement. Your voice beamed of happiness. I asked how you feel to end such a fulfilling career and you said, ‘’the journey is not ending here, I have much more to do’’.
Its your birthday and I sit here in total awe of your will to achieve anything you envisioned, your courage to use your voice and stand tall for what you believed was right, your strength and persistence to overlook your physical ailments and continue your struggles to make our lives easier.
I sit here with my heart filled with gratitude, a sense of calm and an overwhelming emotion of longing all at the same time…
I am grateful because as I navigate through life, I feel so blessed that I got to be raised by you as my mother. Your resolute determination to rise above odds will give me strength till I live. I feel so proud of your professional and personal accomplishments, of your legacy of unwavering will, your creativity reflected in every piece of art you created, be it the hand-painted wall hangings or cushions for living room, the hand-stitched clothes worn by us throughout childhood, or poems for me to include in my speeches for school ceremonies. You helped me express myself so eloquently during school years and continue to do so with your voice that stays in my consciousness.
A sense of calm because I feel your presence despite you not being here. I feel your embrace when I wear a sweater that was knitted or worn by you. I hear your voice when I read through your journal. I see your shinning eyes comforting me when walking along the ocean treading the same walkways where I used to call you after office hours. I feel you smile when I look up at the sky. It gives me calm knowing that your prayers still protect me.
Honoring and thinking of your life on your 64th birthday together with my dear husband, how I wish he could have gotten to know you and found out whose happiness I was chasing my entire life, who shaped me to be the person I am, who is the protagonist in my life story. I am sure you would have loved him for caring for me, for doing anything to put a smile on my face, for his kind companionship through life. It sucks that you are not here to see any of it and all I can do is speculate, overwhelmed with emotions.
But I find comfort in knowing that
‘’As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
For that is all my heart knows.’’
Happy Birthday Dear Ammi g. You are, and will always be loved ❤
Mehreen, 1st March, 2021
